From Hak5

This is the Truth

Contrary to what you may have been told or anything that may lead you to believe otherwise, everything described on this page is complete truth. No embellishments, exaggerations or lies are featured in this section whatsoever. Anybody or anything which tells you otherwise is simply fabricating completely crazy, wild lies and idiotic stories. You should laugh at those people for trying to convince you of something so completely idiotic.

Teh Begining

In Teh Begining, Steve Bill created the Hak Leet, and the Noob. The Noob would always fear the Leet, but not a normal fear, but a respectful fear. Through out the ages, the Noob would try to conquer the the Leet, but would be smacked for doing so, and would find its natural place in the Technolust world. Noob and Noobett alike would always try to pwn the Leet, but would be slapped across the face for trying, and all their base would belong to Leet.

The love of Darren

In the year 2009 after the infamous yogurt incident (which ironically had nothing to do with dairy of any kind) our ill-fated host had found himself lonely and it was beginning to show in the show. He had died his already dark hair even darker until they had to redo the lighting scheme for the set, his style in clothing (when applicable) had to changed to include mostly neon green golfing clothing (in suit with the neo emo movement) and a poster of Natalie Portman wrapped around his neck. Now I should note this was great for ratings, so great in-fact that the show found itself funded by an eccentric millionaire and Darren found himself rich, so in a night of drunken yahtzee he had hired himself a personal cook. Ralph was 7' tall and had never even heard of pancakes, luckily he wasn't going to be Darren's cook. The person who was to become Darren's cook had just gotten out of culinary school and wanted to prove to his fifth-cousin that he could raise cats. The stage was set, it was the day of the shooting of 4x14 and Darren had had his cook make French toast for the cast.

What no one would know is that at that right before breakfast Darren had finally slipped on a puddle of mercury on his floor and his is hip which for a reason still unknown caused him to develop the ULTIMATE food fetish.

Upon arriving at the table for breakfast Darren hand fallen in love with the pile of French toast in front of him. Before Darren could speak of his newfound love Wess had begun to position his fork to take hold of the first slice of toast. In an amount of speed usually found in a teen age girl Darren grabbed a steak knife and stabbed Wess in the spleen.

Soon after Wess was released from the hospital he played best man at the wedding. The ceremony took place at IHOP where the toast could have all it's family in presence. The honeymoon however was held in the back seat of a 1979 Dodge dart. This was unfortunate because a hungry dog happened to pass one week into the honeymoon and while Darren was busy picking out wallpaper for the new house, ate the French toast leaving only the suryap behind.

The Death of Wess

Garda, commissioned by the Hacklings Against Karren (HAK) is on a mission to stop all carrots from infiltrating the HAK5 subculture in order to save the year 2059 from a nuclear holocaust caused by an attempt by WessII (Wess Tobler's replacement after a mashed potato murdered his girl friend causing Wess to seek vengeance ultimately dying at the hands of a 14-year-old Asian girl in an Optimus Prime costume) to mod a Toaster to be powered by a hydro-fusion reactor. TO this day Garda has been ever vigilant in his duties and remains prepared to fight the carrots should they ever arise to cause this accident again.

Originally from the year 2096, Garda has pent his whole life being trained by various militant groups to be an elite magenta killing machine but defected in the year 3031 when magenta made a play for coolest color (Periwinkle at the time). Becoming a general for the Time Travel Division of HAK he has proven himself to be continuously covered in a patriotic goo that gives off "good vibes".

It may be noted that in his time on the HAK5 IRC channel he has repeatedly brought up many good moral debates for the group to ponder, such as: Why do we put our socks on our bread before throwing our goldfish?, Do monkeys ever spend time trying to write Shakespeare?, & Is there a chance that this purple thing in my underwear is malignant? Making the members in the channel just a little smarter for their time.

The Death of Darren

In the year of the cantaloupe (later to be decided on factors of the packers performance in their next super bowl) Hak5 was doing really despite the loss of the original Wess (due to factors of a cartoonish nature) and was getting yet another set upgrade. Periwinkle was not pleased. You see Periwinkle wanted to have contrast through out the world so as to never blend in with the vegetables and gorillas (the furniture mind you not the dessert). Darren on the other hand was finally free of Wess and had decided that he was gone to do the entire set as one baby blue wall with stripes made of maple suryapp. I tell you that story to tell you this story; Darren, now watching normal broadcast x-ray had become distraught for out side were small little (for emphasis) Uma Thurmans. This would be a problem, for was coming and Darren needed the third season DVD of "Why are the kids drinking sulfur?"

Alas Darren had to try his luck as the sky dropped massive head shots of David Yost Darren's need had not left Las Vegas. As Darren approached the convince store he had realized that he didn’t even like Power Rangers. Alas he drank 20oz of the liquefied remains of one Shinmaryuu ad fell to the ground becoming a flower pot.

Life Of Alli

Of the all the original cast members Alli lived the longest, not to say the best, but the most green (because blue is just gay) (has any one noticed he use of color in these things?)). After 3x07 (The "Redbull" special) Alli had found herself addicted to eating nickels after a freak accident involving a noob and some uncooked pasta, requiring her to take season 4 off while she was admitted to Steven Spielberg's house of fluffy things. There she met up with a tall insane man named (Due to the limitations of ASCII the name cannot be displayed) who would soon father three children with Kevin Rose's effeminate clone. Later on after the deaths of Darren and Wess she adopted two children from London and trained them to replace the now un-majestic hosts of Hak5 while taking up liquefying the shows fans. The effects such act are still felt today as we have yet to stand the Holy Tower of Keanu beck to it full height. It is said that if one wants to meet Alli they must first find a living ninja, dye it's hair purple and mail squirrel to the office of the current celebrity of Polka and wait for notification as to what color to wear at the meeting, this will of course include a pancake breakfast in the shape of a squirrel.

Terry Fox is the original Wardriver

Yes. His uber bionic leg wasn't just to help him walk, it was also a 15 decibel ultra high gain wifi antenna. He wardrove all across Canada, back in the days where wireless internet security was even worst than it is now, and he collect an amazing database of hotspots, an netstumbler file over 200 gb big. The truck that was following him all the way was just for the storage. In it was the best technology of the days, a raid array of 50 x 5 gigabyte drives. In fact, on several pieces of TV footage, you can see and in some cases hear the drives. To this day she did not admit it, but Celine Dion had funded this cross country wardrive as a part of her global domination plan, which was intertwined with the Evil Server's.

Hak.5 Radio

An online radio started by robots that was sent back from 2350 to stop the Bush government from taking over the internet, as the NSA was seeing it as a way to control peoples minds instead of a place of true free speech.